Movie Review: Scarecrows (2017)

When we started looking for scarecrow movies to feature for Halloween, I was thinking of enchanted, haunted, possessed scarecrows. It wasn't what I got with Scarecrows (2017) but I wasn't disappointed.

Scarecrows is a silly little movie where the horror happens quietly in the background for the most part while the audience is distracted by all the freaking blow jobs going on in the foreground. Seriously... like... a lot of blow jobs. This movie has got to be about 60% blowjobs. And handjobs. And crotch shots. And...

I'm not sure if it was made for or by teenage boys. Lol. 

But, honestly, I don't mind as much as I should because I laughed my ass off. Scarecrows was never meant to be taken seriously, which was its saving grace. If every sexist joke wasn't designed to make you roll your eyes at its stupidity, the movie would be unbearable. As it was, it was surprisingly fun to watch. 

Scarecrows opens with the obligatory shots of sweeping cornfields that always make me feel a bit homesick. Then, a (as we are prone to say here at Castle Vanian) "Kane looking motherfucker" lumbers up with a scarecrow that opens its eyes shortly after he erects it. My comment at the time was, "Hey, not a bad way to hide a body," which, incidentally...

The Father (Jason J. Thomas) - who, for some reason that's frustratingly never explained, never utters a single word - doesn't like it when people trespass on his land. Why? Well, as far as I can gather, someone trespassed on his land once and killed his wife... somehow. It's never explained. (Annoying.) Mind you, the whole no-trespassing thing would probably work a lot better for him if his property didn't happen to have the best lagoon ever on it. 

People hear about the lagoon, they trespass on his land to get there, he drugs them, sews their mouths shut, and strings them (er... nails them...) up as scarecrows. 

He's got a lot of scarecrows. 

They're pretty cool scarecrows. 

Is Scarecrows a perfect movie? Hell no. It took me ages to work out which girl was banging which guy. Even then, I didn't care which of them got caught because none of their characters were likeable - or consistent, for that matter. And the final girl, Hannah Gordon's Ash, was just. So. Freaking. Stupid. Don't get me wrong... I wasn't rooting for the baddie, either. (WHY DIDN'T HE TALK?!) I just didn't care who lived or died. 

Rating: Maybe I'm being overly generous, considering its many faults, but I'm going to give Scarecrows ⭐⭐⭐⭐ stars because it was fun, albeit silly.