Amityville Scarecrow feels like two different movies: the short movie with promise that happens before the opening credits and the movie after the opening credits that drags on and on and on. The opening movie is camp as hell, but in a so-bad-I-want-more kind of way. The rest of the movie is just dreary as hell. Worse, it's painfully inconsistent.
That’s the biggest problem with Amityville Scarecrow; it
doesn’t know what it wants to be. The opening sequence is very American, with
American accents, references, and colloquialisms. Fast forward past the titles and the movie
– although supposedly set in the same place, with the same caravans – is suddenly
very British.
Except…
Someone didn’t get the memo. The main characters, sisters Mary (Kate Sandison) and Tina (Amanda-Jade Tyler,) mention a few times that their mother moved them there to Britain. Which would be fine if 1. Amityville had been in Britain and 2. The prop department hadn’t given everything American labels and telephone numbers, etc. It’s so frustrating to try to watch a movie when you spend most of it shouting, “Just pick a fucking country, already!”
Honestly, even if Amityville Scarecrow knew which country it wanted to be set in (and really, how does it make it to
production without someone picking up on that?) there really isn’t a lot to
recommend it. The dialogue is super stiff and formal, not natural in the
slightest, and is punctuated by bouts of crying. Actually, there’s so much
bloody crying in this movie that it's more like the crying is sometimes punctuated by
terrible dialogue.
Any horror is secondary to serious family drama between Mary
and Tina, who inherit a rundown campsite and have very different ideas about
what to do with it. Tina wants to reopen the campsite in a misguided effort to
rebuild her strained relationship with her sister. Mary, on the other hand,
would like nothing to do with the woman who fucked her husband and destroyed
her marriage. (At least, that’s what I could make out from between all the
crying.)
So, here’s another problem... The synopsis for Amityville Horror says, ‘A summer camp that is about to open to unwitting guests,’ which is nothing like what’s actually happening. It’s not a summer camp, it’s a caravan park. Those aren’t limited to just summers here in the UK. Also, it’s nowhere near ready to open (and there are no unwitting guests.) It’s just a dump and the two families are there for about a night.
Ridiculously misleading.
Speaking of misleading, there’s the poster. I know you’re
not supposed to judge a movie by its poster and all... but come on. You’ve
got the Amityville house on it – which, again, is not in Britain – with the
tagline, ‘New camp. Killer mascot.’
Sigh.
Aside from the terrible dialogue and acting, there’s this godawful
maudlin music that never seems to end and really brings the tone of the movie
down. There are also a stupid number of little mistakes that should have been picked up on. For
instance, the British police officer wears what's supposed to be an
American police officer’s uniform but with cheap, trashy trousers. Aside from that,
there are also several classic cars sitting out and open to the elements but
in perfect condition that start first time, even after decades of neglect.
Really?
The scarecrow, at least, isn't bad. It's actually kind of creepy –
except for when it moves and you can see the actor’s bare skin at the wrist. The way it moves otherwise is effective, even creepy at times, and it does have some
funny moments. Nowhere near enough to save the movie, though.
Rating: ⭐
Bechdel Test: 👍
