King of Halloween: Graveyard Shift (1990)

Wondra: I have to say, Graveyard Shift (1990) is probably the closest thing you’ll find to a b-movie on this list. Okay, it's totally a b-movie. Don’t get me wrong… I liked it. It’s a lot of fun – but it doesn’t exactly have the depth that a lot of the others do. It’s more… what was the word you used? Pulp?

Jay: Yeah. It’s not his best story, but it’s not bad. It’s contained to a couple of locations. The cast isn’t… stellar. Nothing wrong with their ability, but they’re not household names, are they?

W: It isn’t a particularly great cast but Andrew Divoff as Danson and Brad Dourif as The Exterminator are absolutely b-movie royalty.

J: Certainly horror film royalty. If you’re aware of horror films, you know their names. I don’t know if I would call myself an aficionado because there’s just too much to remember now. There’s such an influx of horror movies now, it feels impossible to retain. But I remember Graveyard Shift because it was from a time when you weren’t being bombarded by twenty or thirty new films a month.

W: The thing with Graveyard Shift is that if you’re afraid of rats, it becomes a thousand times scarier. If not, it’s just really… yucky. I mean… I can’t watch it without thinking that they all probably have listeria!

J: Rats can be very clean animals. I love rats. They can be the world’s survivors. They adapt. The can live in the worst scenarios. There’s a rat within so many feet of anywhere in Britain. After mankind has polluted the earth, everything will come back. The rat will just carry on adapting. They’ll still be here, probably just be a lot bigger.

W: The social commentary about money, greed, and power are not subtle in this one…

J: No, but that’s Stephen King. That’s why he got on so well with Romero. They’ve always been very aware of social climates. Whenever there’s a republican in the white house, watch how political King’s works get!

W: I’m a little confused about the rats, actually… If there are storm drains that lead to the river, why are they still there? Rats are hellish clever. Wouldn’t they have just scarpered when there was nothing else to eat there?

J: With that thing killing everything that wandered too close? They had a ready made source of food. That bat thing was killing just to get rid of people so there was always plenty to eat. Would you leave?

W: There are so, so many rats you don’t immediately recognize the big bad for what it is. Eventually, you start asking yourself, ‘Is that a wing?’ And then you get the reveal at the end and… what the crap? How does a movie about a rat infestation turn into a battle against a giant bat?

J: That was the downfall with Graveyard Shift. It never explained why one involved into something else. You have to think that it was exposed to chemicals but… you never find out. It’s also weird that the other rats don’t seem to mind it. With as cannibalistic and territorial as rats are, it’s odd that they would just ignore it.

W: In the book, it’s supposed to just be this giant blind rat without any legs. That would have made so much more sense. Do you think it would have worked better if they had stuck with that or do you think it would have been less effective? I like the monster this way… but maybe in a different movie.

J: If it was just this slug rat? It couldn’t have been better. I suppose it’s down to the director, though, isn’t it? The right director can make nothing look scary.

W: Honestly? When it gets to the monster’s nest, it feels like a whole different movie. It goes from gritty modern to massive classic horror. What the heck? The set is impressive, don’t get me wrong… it just feels like an unnecessary shift.

J: It’s been sealed off so it really is from another time. No one has been there – except for its prey. It’s untouched by everything that’s been built on top of it. It’s necessary because it shows how people deal with things. Rather than dealing with it, they just bury it and move on. And with rats, what do they do? You catch one in your bathroom and the first thing they do is straight down the drain.

W: Of course you have the typical pissing contest between the locals, Danson and Brogan (Vic Polizos,) and the Drifter, John Hall (David Andrews.) That insecurity is always there, isn’t it? You’re only the best thing going until some strange comes along… Why does it always seem like the men in these small towns starting shit when someone new shows up?

J: It’s putting people in their place. You don’t know anything about him but you’re making sure you assert your dominance. It starts in school. You remember when the new kid shows up at school. People don’t go up and just make friends, they always go up and show they’re the top dog.

W: Ugh. Warwick (Stephen Macht) is another Entitled White Man piece of shit, isn't he? Anybody who so much as looks at him the wrong way gets sent to the basement. For awhile there, I thought he was working with whatever was down there but, no, he was just an asshole who knew bad shit happened and wanted to punish people who pissed him off.

J: Yeah, he’s as big a killer as the thing. He’s feeding it. He’s getting rid of his competition. Of his problems. He’s a real monster.

W: And you know, of course, the one thing that pissed me off most about the movie… they killed the fucking dog. I hate it when they bring a dog into a film, just to kill it. Was there any need for the dog, except to die?

J: It gets you, though, doesn’t it? Guaranteed to pull on your heartstrings.

W: What was the deal with Warwick losing his mind? Sometimes that feels like a copout in horror. I feel like maybe people live through pretty horrendous shit all the time and they do it without instantly losing it. So, was Warwick just two fries short of a Happy Meal to start with or is it a case of lazy writing?

J: It’s both. If he didn’t get what he wanted, he was off on one anyway. You can never call King a lazy writer, but Warwick’s character was just the bomb, wasn’t he? Tick, tick, tick, waiting to go off. He was a tool, more than a well-rounded character.

W: Once again, women in horror get a shitty deal. Nordello (Ilona Margolis) almost gets assaulted by Warwick in the middle of town and nobody does a damned thing to stop it - presumably because she's a slut - while Jane (Kelly Wolf) tried to report Warwick for sexual harassment and was told to see a therapist. Sheesh. The men are either psychos or assholes and the women are treated like scum. Is that just narrowing down humanity to our worst bits or is it just using stereotypes for convenience?

J: Honestly? I can’t answer that. It’s like a big, flashing arrow. Bad guy! Hero! You find that sometimes. With some movies, you get that Police Academy thing. “I am a bad guy. I am exiting the window. What do you do?” That’s the problem with some films. You’re not allowed to make up your own mind. This is one of those films.

But they’re all frightened of him. Both because he’s a white man with power and because he’s obviously a nutcase.

W: Even though Graveyard Shift is totally a b-movie, it’s a lot of fun to watch. It’s way down the pecking order for a King film, though! What are your final thoughts on it?

W: It’s a good, mindless night’s viewing. You don’t have to think too hard. It’s not his best work, but it’s worth a watch.

Jay’s Rating: 💀💀

Wondra’s Rating: 💀💀

King of Halloween: Pet Sematary (1989)

Wondra: The Countdown to Halloween continues, which means another Stephen King adaptation. Today, we’re going to look at Pet Sematary (1989,) which has some really great moments but can be really annoying at times.

I think I’ll start with the setting? The most important place in the movie has got to be the pet sematary itself, although little of the action actually takes place there. The tired, worn graves at the “sematary” look kind of scary – but isn’t it a beautiful idea?

Jay: I love the idea of a pet cemetery. Pets play such a big part of your life – from a goldfish to a horse – especially growing up. The dogs you have growing up, you never forget them. They’re a huge part of who you are, who you become. Growing up, I was lucky. I had dogs, budgies, goldfish – hell, I had a kestrel and a crow. If they told me there was a pet cemetery (cemetery, not sematary) opening… one of those new ones, where you can be buried next to them, absolutely. There are plenty of people who prefer their pets to their families! A dog’s love is unconditional. 

W: Absolutely. I cried harder when Dakota died than when my dad died. I mean... to be fair, it was my dad, but you know what I mean. No matter how far away you are, they’re still your family, your best friends.

Okay, so the movie starts and almost immediately, Gage (Miko Hughes) almost runs out in front of a truck. What the fuck were those people thinking, not putting a fence up – or, I don’t know, teaching their kids road safety? As a non-parent, I’m just watching it thinking what horrible, negligent parents they are!

(By the way, we lived right on a major highway with trucks flying by all the time. We knew not to go anywhere fucking near it.)

J: Let’s be honest. When you’ve got a lethal road – that’s why there’s a pet cemetery in the first place – you put up a fence so your pet or your kid can’t run out in the road. It’s Common Sense 101. You’d have to be off your head to have a two-year-old kid there without any protection.

W: I hate Denise Crosby’s character. She’s such a whiny little princess. Her issue with death and “Why should kids learn about death…” They bought the kid a cat. Didn’t they expect to have to explain death at some point? What was she going to do if the grandparents died? You have to teach kids about death at some point! Is there an age that’s too young, ‘cause that girl doesn’t seem that young…?

J: Well, in their defence, the kids are both very young – the parents were probably thinking that they weren’t going to have to have the conversation for a long time.  After all, cats can live up to, what, twenty years? The kids would be in university by then.

I knew from a young age that death was a thing. I had a Nan and B but my other Nan didn’t have a B. I knew that he was in Heaven. From the age of four, I remember crying when my mom went on holiday because I was terrified her plane would crash and she would die. Would it have been easier if I hadn’t known anything about death? I don’t know.

The quicker kids understand something, when something happens, it’s not a shock. My friend’s mother died when she was six or seven at the age of thirty or so. My parents told me, people die. It won’t happen to you. It happens to you if you’re stupid.

W: Someone should have had that talk with Gage.

Honestly, I didn’t find either of the parents likeable. And the grandparents were just hateful. The mother, Rachel, is neurotic as fuck and the father, Louis (Dale Midkiff,) becomes just as bad as she is the moment things go wrong. Do you think it’s intentional, like a commentary on human nature, or am I just reading too much into it?

J: You can never tell with Stephen King because he’s always had a very interesting view on human nature. Just look at The Mist – talk about commentary on human nature. King has an amazing grasp on human nature. Human natures. There’s not just one. He’s really lived a life and you’ve got to think not wanted to for at least part of it. We’re lucky his wife believed in him when he didn’t.

King’s books are so relatable. Look at It or Tommyknockers. The dynamics between people, between friends, are so intricate, so complicated. You know his childhood was a formidable time because he writes about childhood so much. Growing up in 50s/60s America, dirt poor, with Coke bottle glasses… it couldn’t have been easy.

W: It’s common knowledge that King had a rough childhood so it makes sense that he writes about it a lot.

Oh, I wanted to mention Fred Gwynne as Jude Crandall! I loved seeing him in Pet Sematary! He’s such a horror icon and a lovely character. His death is so awful too!

J: Fred Gwynne didn’t act enough for me. He got kind of pigeonholed into the Herman Munster role and he was so much more than that. It didn’t matter if he was warning you or whatever, it did it with that slow, southern voice. I was always so sad that I never got the chance to meet him.

And his death… it is horrific. To slice his ankle, then slice his mouth open. Brutal. Shocking. For half of Pet Sematary, you don’t really see a lot but, when it gets into its swing, it really goes for it. It does get nasty.

W: In typical King fashion, the sister, Ellie (BlazeBerdahl,) appears to be psychic. Weirdly, neither of the parents are. No one else does, either. And it offers zero explanation for any of it. What’s going on there?

J: Yeah, it doesn’t explain it at all, does it? It makes you wonder if she’s tapped into the ground. Children are much more au fait with spirits than adults are, anyway.

W: There is other supernatural stuff going on, of course, with Rachel’s sister, Zelda (Andrew Hubastek) – who, by the way, I don’t believe looked anything like you would if you had the disease she supposedly had, but that’s beside the point – and with the ghost of the kid who gets killed on Louis’s first day, Pascow (Brad Greenquist.)

You mentioned before that you didn’t think there was any point in the thing with Pascow…?

J: No. I understand why, I suppose… to help the story along, but you didn’t need the ghost telling you. You had Jud doing it. I think it was for shock value more than anything. I don’t know if it was a homage to An American Werewolf in London, but I didn’t there was any need for it.

W: It definitely gave me An American Werewolf in London vibes. The annoying thing about Pascow for me is that he could only go so far… could only help so much. Why? The ghost of Zelda didn’t seem to have the same restrictions. I hate inconsistencies.

Alright. I have to ask. If Jud knew bad things could happen if you buried things in the pet sematary, why the Hell did he take that yuppie there?!

J: Jud does explain his reasoning, doesn’t he? He just didn’t want Ellie’s heart broken. I always thought that he should have done a better job of warning Louis, mind. Especially since, like you said, he knew exactly how bad it could get. Jud had good intentions but the whole thing was still a really bad idea.

W: I love that they had to use 9 different cats during filming for Church because cats can’t be trained. Do you think it would have been a different movie if they’d used a dog instead?

J: You could have ended up with dogs that couldn’t act too. Just look at how obedient our dogs are.

As far as it being a different movie? Well, it depends on which sort of dog they used… if it’s a yorkie or something, no, not really. You’d still get the same kind of vibe. If it’s a German Shepard or something, definitely. If a Doberman growls at you, it’s a different story.

W: And, of course, we already have a King film about a killer dog…  

Okay, talk to me about creepy Gage because he’s the best part of the movie.

J: He was awesome. Dying aged Gage quite a bit, though, didn’t it? He went from one-word sentences to full sentences right after coming back. That’s pretty impressive. His second death is the best. When he gets put down, that “No fair!” is something…

W: Okay… I don’t get it. That mofo saw what happened when he took the cat there. He saw what happened when he took his son there. Why the fuck would he take his wife there?! He knew what would happen!

J: I don’t think he really believed it, that it would happen again. He was just desperate.

You know… after Rachel kills Louis, there’s always the possibility that she takes him up to the sematary and buries him. You’re in zombie territory then. Zombies that can think and reason and know how to spread without eating each other. Now that’s an interesting movie…

W: Okay, last chance to add any thoughts…

J: Pet Sematary is a straightforward, creepy film and it’s all down to Gage. Anything where you’ve got a kid coming back after you – and he doesn’t come back as a dumb shit… that’s terrifying. Gage is cunning. He got Jud and he almost got his father. It’s only by luck that he didn’t. Scary stuff.

Wondra’s Rating: 💀💀💀

Jay’s Rating: 💀💀💀💀

King of Halloween: Silver Bullet (1985)

Wondra: I’m happy that we’re doing Stephen King adaptions this Halloween. It gives me a chance to rewatch movies I haven’t seen in a long time – like Silver Bullet (1985.) I know you watched it like a month ago, but it's been awhile for me. 

Jay: Silver Bullet is one of my favourite werewolf movies.

W: Werewolf movies always have major cringe potential, don't they? No matter how good the story is, the costume/special fx are what makes or breaks a werewolf flick. What do you think? How did Silver Bullet do?

J: I’d say… a 6/10. The werewolf was never the best part of the film. But really, it was never meant to be. Movies like Silver Bullet always do best when they limit how much they show of the monster. A claw here, a snout there…

W: Not a werewolf movie, but I'm thinking about Night of the Demon.

J: Right, exactly that type of thing. 

Werewolf films that came before Silver Bullet far surpassed it in terms of effects. Think about the likes of An American Werewolf in London.  Like I said, though, it was never about the werewolf with this one. It was about Marty (Corey Haim) and the dynamics of Marty and his family.

You know Marty and his sister, Jane (Megan Follows,) don’t get. That’s pretty obvious straight away. After that, it takes some time to build Marty’s character. You’ve got all that going on, with the relationship between him and his parents versus him and his Uncle Red (Gary Busey) – plus all the stuff with the townsfolk going on… it’s a slow build.

W: Be honest… how long did it take you to suspect Reverend Lowe (Everett McGill?) Until the weird dream bit, I didn’t give him a second thought because he was the one trying to keep everyone calm.

J: I didn’t get it until Jane said, “My brother’s a real pain” and the reverend turned with the bandage over his eye.

W: Do you think the priest kept trying to talk everyone out of hunting down the creature because he was afraid for his safety – or theirs?

J: I think definitely for his own safety. As he saw it, he didn’t have a choice. He had to kill.

W: He couldn’t keep his secret from them forever. Not at the rate he was going…

J: You’re right. Even if the townsfolk hadn’t started hunting for him, Lowe would eventually have run out of people and would have moved on to the next town.

W: What do you think drove Lowe over the edge? His personality seemed to totally split after getting jabbed in the eye – don’t get me wrong, it sucks, but is that really a turning point kind of moment?

J: Marty drove the reverend over the edge, definitely. He was always going to be a murderer – that’s the nature of the beast – but he might not have gone full blown psycho in his human form without Marty antagonizing him.

W: Silver Bullet does something a lot of horror movies don’t: it focuses on disability. The really great thing about it, though, is that rather than showing how helpless the disabled kid is, it shows how abled he is. That’s a powerful statement for a 1980-something film. What are your thoughts on the way Silver Bullet deals with disability? Do you think Marty’s disability adds to or detracts from the story? How would the story be different if King had used a fully abled character?

J: You have to have the wheelchair, named Silver Bullet, because it’s the connection to the werewolves and the thing that kills them.

I’m not sure they did deal with Marty’s disability realistically, honestly… the way he’s climbing trees and out of his bedroom window and things… Is that realistic for his type of paralysis? Would he have developed that kind of upper body strength at his age? I don’t know if I buy it.  

W: I love the double-meaning behind the name, Silver Bullet, but I don’t remember the wheelchair/scooter having a name in the original book, Cycle of the Moon, and Marty was still disabled in that.

Okay. Deeper question. Do you think there’s room for disabled people in horror – as anything other than the victims?

J: Of course there is. There’s room for everyone in horror. You’re right when you say that if you see a disabled person in horror, they’re usually the victim, but there’s so much possibility, and so much scope for making them the heroes or, even better, the baddies.

W: That’s where you usually see disabled people in other movies, like fairy tales and action flicks, and I’m over that. Oh, you know he’s a baddie because he’s deformed or because he has a disability. Fuck that. Give us more disabled heroes!

J: Corey Haim earned his money in this one. Even though he’s not actually disabled, he makes you believe his is, especially in scenes like when he’s watching his friends play baseball. You see the longing in his eyes, and you really feel for him.

W: He was a great actor. It was a shame what Hollywood did to him.

The good ole townsfolk triggered the fuck outta me. Funny how you can move 4,000 miles away, but one scene takes you right back to a crowded local bar where everyone knows everyone’s business. I bet you there’s someone in my hometown talking shit about me in a little bar just like that one right now.

I mean… community plays a massive role in Silver Bullet – but what’s the message? Is King telling us community is important or is he denouncing the evils of it? I can see it going either way. (I’m leaning toward evils but, hey, that’s my small town girl showing.)

J: I’m leaning toward evil too. You saw it during the pandemic. When push comes to shove, it’s every person for themselves. When the townsfolk go up into the mountain looking for the creature and it actually shows up, they scatter. Don’t get me wrong, though… that’s a natural response.

W: Can’t say I wouldn’t have run like a little bitch…

Oh, my gods. By the end, I just wanted to throttle Lowe. He invoked his Entitled White Man privilege when he insisted that he killed the pregnant woman because suicide was a sin (after she already had to put up with her baby daddy treating her like shit and calling her a slut,) then went for the typical “It’s not my fault!” defence. Why do we keep making room for those douchebags in horror when we have to face them every day anyway?

J: That’s exactly why. Because they’re always there. Just watch YouTube. They’re the one thing that endures. In any film, going back to the beginning, you’ve got the Entitled character. They’re hateful and ever present.

W: Okay, there’s one last thing we have to talk about. Well, a person… Gary Freaking Busey. You mentioned Corey Haim’s vulnerability and all that he brought to the role. What about Busey? What did that crazy mofo bring?

J: Being a crazy mofo?

He steals the show. He’s the mad uncle. He’s batshit, a drunk, a layabout – but he’s the kid’s hero. He doesn’t have any kids of his own, so he lives through Marty. Busey was just exploding onto the scene about this time and you can see why. When he’s on screen, he steals every minute.

W: Final thoughts on Silver Bullet?

J: All in all, it’s a well-cast, well-acted, well-shot film.

The worst part of the movie, sadly, is the werewolf itself – but it doesn’t matter because the story is so compelling. Considering it was just a short novel, it turned into a tremendous film.

Jay’s Rating: 💀💀💀

Wondra’s Rating: 💀💀💀

Birthdayoween Month: 40 Fun Things To Do in My 40s (A Bucket List)

I've noticed a massive difference between the leadups to my thirtieth and fortieth birthdays. Thirty felt like the end of my freaking life. Forty feels like the start. 

I have a theory. (It could be bunnies.) It has to do with how fucking awful my childhood was and how, the further away from that and the more I get to experience life on my terms, the more I enjoy it. 

Or maybe I'm just on better medication now? 🤣

Whichever, I'm approaching 40 with a determination to have fun and make memories, rather than tick off boxes. There's so much pressure out there to do this and have that before you reach a certain age and OMFG screw that. No wonder we all have freaking Anxiety!

I just want to enjoy the next decade! (Goddess knows how long this dumpster fire of a planet has left...)

That being said, I've made a list of things I'd like to do - if I get the chance - in my forties. I made a similar list for my thirties and it did not go well. Probably because I encountered serious physical and mental health conditions that kick the shit out of me for a very long time. 

(I haven't beaten them, by any means, but we're on a first name basis now so I know what I need to do to bring them along on field trips. Spoonie life, y'all.)

Bucket List: 40 Things to do in my 40s 

1. Visit a Disney Park

2. See my novel in print

3. Watch every Disney (animated) movie ever made

4. Build a witch’s apothecary

5. Play with an octopus

6. Go whale watching

7. Ride in a hot air balloon

8. Take an art class

9. Take a cooking class

10. (Finally) get my British citizenship

11. Go to Eurovision

12. See Hamilton on stage

13. See Les Misérables on stage

14. Swim in crystal clear water

15. Do an animal zoo experience

16. Start a family cookbook 

17. Learn a card trick/magic trick

18. Learn to juggle

19. Try archery

20. Go ice skating

21. Learn to make a flower crown

22. Do a wine tasting

23. Eat at Nando’s

24. Try blowing glass

25. Go on a sausage walk

26. Try Ecstasy

27. Try magic mushrooms

28. Go to Oktoberfest

29. Go to a RHS flower show

30. Drink in an ice bar

31. Learn Braille/sign language

32. Get a Twenty One Pilots tattoo

33. Get my dogs’ pawprints tattooed

34. Learn another language (more than a few nursery songs, lol)

35. Make a quilt

36. Watch Wales women play (rugby/football)

37. Try axe throwing

38. Go on sausage-friendly vacation

39. Ride in a helicopter

40. Go on a cruise

One and Forty are the big ones. The ones that I have very little chance of actually pulling off without some kind of divine intervention or winning the lottery or something - but a girl can dream. 

There are things that will be difficult, with my arthritis, or that will require a buddy, because of my social anxiety, etc. etc. etc. but I don't think anything is too far-fetched. After all, I didn't think I'd cross 'Be on TV' off my last bucket list! 

King of Halloween: The Dead Zone (1983)

Wondra: I’m glad you picked The Dead Zone (1983) as our next movie because it’s dark and heavy and so perfect for this time of the year.

The Dead Zone is a movie that changes as it goes. Every time you think you’ve got it nailed down, it shifts again. It’s never the movie you think it is. I guess what I’m asking is, through it all, does it remain a horror movie? If so, what kind of horror movie is it and how does it compete with the usual slasher gorefests of the 1980s?

Jay: It’s actually one of the scariest movies King ever made. Why? Because it became prophetic. Greg Stillson (Martin Sheen) was the embodiment of what Donald Trump became, mob-like, brash, rude, arrogant – this is the man who wanted to nuke hurricanes, for God’s sake!

The Dead Zone is about Johnny Smith (ChristopherWalken,) who finds out he can see into the future. Sometimes into the future… and sometimes into the past. As it goes along, Johnny learns that he can alter the future using his power when he saves Chris Stuart (Simon Craig.)

W: We were talking before about the similarities between this and The Medusa Touch (1978,) with Richard Burton. If you had to choose…?

J: There’s a huge difference between The Dead Zone and The Medusa Touch. One sees them and one causes them. Walken’s character can see them, Burton’s character actively makes them happen. You’re talking about the difference between a hero and a villain.

Funny, I never thought of The Dead Zone as a horror movie when I was young but now…

The Medusa Touch is the scariest of the two. Jesus, can you imagine Donald Trump with those powers? At least with The Dead Zone, the bad guy loses. Not so with The Medusa Touch.

W: Honestly? I wish I never had to think about Donald Trump doing anything ever again. Like you said, though. At least with The Dead Zone, there’s that blissful moment where the Trump character gets his. It almost feels like a personal victory when you watch it now.

With some Stephen King horror films, you get actors that aren’t as well known. That’s not the case with The Dead Zone. Maybe they’re not A-listers, necessarily, but there are some big names here – and a helluva lot of talent.

J: But they were A-listers, Walken and Sheen were, at least. King does tend to stick a lot of the same actors – I’m thinking about people like Ed Harris and Bonnie Badelida – older actors, too, like Fred Gwyn, which is a good thing.

W: Johnny’s an… odd choice for a hero, isn’t he? Walken speaks in a rush, which makes him sound brash, almost rude. He’s an unlikely hero – if you can call him that. Do you think of Jonny as a hero? I mean… he does try to assassinate a politician. He’s not exactly a law-abiding citizen in that way.

J: But he did it to save the world. Johnny is absolutely a hero. He’s not even an anti-hero. He doesn’t really do anything wrong. He saves a little girl from burning to death, tells the doctor where his mother is, stops a serial killer, saves a kid from drowning, and saves the world from a nuclear war. It’s not like he’s Snake Plissken or something. He’s not a right fucker, he’s a hero.

W: I find it interesting that Johnny won’t have sex with Sarah (Brooke Adams) when the movie starts because he’s a good little Christian boy and “some things are worth waiting for.” You can see how much his attitude has changed when she comes back later (with her kid, which is yucky weird) and she’s ready to go. He doesn’t give a shit about God and he’s not waiting for anything anymore.

J: Oh, his relationship with God is gone. His attitude is savage. You see it when Sheriff Bannerman (Tom Skerritt) tries to get him to help, and he turns him away. The sheriff doesn’t have a leg to stand on and, really, you’re with Johnny.

W: Back to Sarah, though. She didn’t wait long for him! What, two years, at most? They were engaged, right? Assuming she met someone, fell in love, got engaged, got knocked up, had a baby – all in three years? Bitch moved fast.

J: How long do you wait? Do you waste the best years of your life for someone who might never wake up? Sucks, but at the same time, she had to move on.

W: Well, I think you wait a little, at least. Doesn’t seem like she waited at all. Which totally makes me judge her. The fact that she ended up with someone involved in politics just makes me judge her harder.

I liked Dr. Weizak (Herbert Lom) when he was talking about Johnny’s ability. “Either a very new ability or a very old one…” I’d love to see that explored further… If other people got the ability or if other abilities showed up. You watched the TV series… did they ever do that, take it further?

J: I only watched a couple of episodes because it wasn’t my cup of tea. King has had a fascination with telekinesis, with the mind and how it’s evolved. We know we only use a percentage of our minds. We have so much space, so much potential – and we’re not using it. Maybe we will. One day.

W: Hey, we lived through the Trump administration. And the Johnson administration. We both know that there are a whole lotta people out there using a whole lot less than others. *sigh* Maybe one day they’ll catch up…

I’m not sure which would be more terrifying – the stuff Johnny sees or having him grab you and tell you all that horrible stuff. Small town like that? He’s lucky he didn’t get his ass chased out of town…

I wonder if things would have been different if he was a woman? Would he have gotten “Burn the witch?” Would he have been treated as a saviour or blamed for everything that ever went wrong?

J: Well, there’s only one moment where he does that and it’s with the reporter at the beginning. The minute he turned it back on him, the reporter didn’t want to know. Wouldn’t you love to fuck with people that way?

Johnny doesn’t really touch anyone else, though, does he? Like when he goes to shake Stillson’s hand, Stillson slaps a badge into it. He also wears gloves a lot. You have to think that he’s trying to prevent the vision, especially when you learn that using the power is probably killing him.

He does move away, too. They don’t explain why, exactly, but he does move away. It makes you think that there’s a good reason for it. His power changes things. I guess the reason they don’t go after him is that he’s more useful than he is frightening.

W: The Dead Zone is so character driven you forget for a long time that there’s supposed to be a baddie in it. And, even when they introduce Stillson, you barely notice them doing it. The first time I saw The Dead Zone, I was expecting the conflict to come from Roger Stuart (AnthonyZerbe) or for Johnny to just burn himself out. I didn’t give Stillson a second thought for ages.

J: Stuart’s not an issue because he’s broken, he’s done. He knows he’s responsible for the deaths of two kids – and could have been responsible for his son’s death. You don’t come back from that.

You do see little bits of Stillson as the movie goes, but he’s still in the background. He only becomes a major player right at the end.

W: We can’t talk about The Dead Zone without talking about, like you said, the almost prophetic similarities between Stillson and Trump.

J: Again, a mafia figure that’s absolutely corrupt to the core. The majority of the world knows that the guy was the worst kind of con man. The whole idea of getting into the White House was to enrich himself. If he’d kept his mouth shut, he could have left with his pockets lined. But he couldn’t. He was a Stillson. He was lining the halls of power to keep himself there indefinitely. And the people around him were just waiting for him to go for the button if things got bad.

W: The Dead Zone asks the eternal question: if you could go back in time and kill Hitler, would you? I pose the same question: if you could go back in time and kill Trump, would you?

J: As me now? Yes, in a heartbeat. The man set the world back twenty, thirty years. The problem is… I’m not sure it was 100% Trump. After Obama and the world becoming more accepting, becoming a better place… the Republican party hated that. I think they were just waiting for someone like Trump to come in. They would have gotten someone to drag it back. There were – and still are – too many crackpots in that party.

W: Sadly, too true. Hate is eternal, isn’t it?

The ending of The Dead Zone is just phenomenal. It would have been brilliant if Johnny had killed Stillson, but it was so much better that he destroyed himself by grabbing the baby. I’ve gotta be honest, though… I don’t think even that would stop Trump.

J: Imagine if Trump had picked up a white baby and held it up in front of himself. He doesn’t have any shame, but he wouldn’t have a chance at getting any kind of power. He would never take his own life, but he would be powerless.

You don’t see the end coming. You know Johnny’s going to try to kill him, and you see him fail. It’s better this way. If he’d killed him, he would have become a martyr.

Jay’s Rating: 💀💀💀💀

Wondra’s Rating: 💀💀💀💀

King of Halloween: The Night Flier (1997)

Wondra: Okay, so here we go kicking off a month of binging and chatting about Stephen King adaptations… Since there are some real crackers on the list, let’s start with some of the “smaller” ones. Like The Night Flier (1997.)

The Night Flier is a great movie but is mostly overlooked, even by horror fans. Why isn’t it more popular?

Jay: It was probably a lack of marketing. Plus, even though it was Stephen King, people might have been like, ‘Eh, a vampire flying around at night? I don’t wanna watch that!’ And it was kind of corny in places. I mean… Dwight Renfield and Jimmy Olsen and all that. 

But there isn’t anything else like it, is there? It’s original and a very entertaining.

W: Right. I don’t think I watched it until a couple years ago and that was only because you recommended it. 

You kind of go into The Night Flier not really expecting much because there’s no hype surrounding it, which is good because you can be pleasantly surprised by how great it is.

I love it because of the chase and the imagery. What makes it a great movie for you?

J: The Night Flier is a great movie partially because, like you said, there’s no hype. But, like I said before, there’s just nothing like it. It’s unique. There are so many films that are just same old, same old, especially when it comes to vampires. Vampire goes after young girl, the fall in love, blah blah blah.

This isn’t that. There’s no romance. It’s gutter press. It’s sensationalism. The vampire at the end is quite ropey, really, but I thought there was a nice amount of suspense, which makes up for that. You never know where it’s going, and you never see the end coming.

W: That’s not fair! The vampire is grotesquely awesome. It’s horrible to look at – but also heartbreaking because you know the handsome man he used to be. The horrible face hides a tragic backstory and I love that. 

I can’t really go any further without talking about the role of women in Night Flier. I mean… Grah! Dees and Morrison (Dan Monahan) are both absolute pigs. The way they treat women makes my blood boil. 

Since I can speak from the inside, I’m going to. You have no idea how fucking frustrating it is to be a woman in publishing. Especially in horror. The number of slush stories I’ve read through that are basically just violence fetish and rape fantasy barely disguised as fiction… it’s disgusting.

Katherine Blair (Julie Entwisle) faces a different kind of sexism. She doesn’t have to work alongside men who would sooner see her raped, beaten, and slain than give her a space in their genre, but she does have to fight to make herself seen – and fight even harder to be taken seriously. It’s all “honey” and “dear” until she doesn’t play along. Then, she’s just a bitch. 

I thought more had changed since the '90s but… *shrug* I dunno. It still seems too relevant.

As a man watching all this, I’d love to know what your thoughts were.

J: The sexism is obvious but I think it’s meant to be.

Women have always been either the eye candy or the victim since the dawn of film. It all started to change in the '70s, late '80s when you started getting people like Sigourney Weaver, who were badass and owned whole franchises. Women never shook the stigma, though. Even now, getting Hollywood to give women a chance is painfully laborious. Take Wonder Woman, for example. They were dying for that to fail so they could say a woman can’t carry a superhero film.

But, in the end, Katherine has the last laugh, doesn’t she? She wins. Even though she sees the vampire, she doesn’t go after him. She doesn’t give in to the obsession that destroyed Dees. I guess she doesn’t need the vampire because she’s already got her man. She got her story and Dee got his. It was a victory, even though she had to put up with all that shit to get it.

W: There’ve been a few remakes lately of King films, like Firestarter. What about The Night Flier? Could it be remade now and, if so, how do you think it would it do?

J: Oh, they can always remake something. It all depends on somebody’s vision. Too many times, they remake something and it’s exact. Like Carrie. There’s absolutely no point if you’re gonna redo The Night Flier scene-for-scene. You would have to take it in a whole new direction. Modernize it. Make it viral. Because it didn’t do well financially the first time around, though… no, I don’t think they’d bother.

There are just too many horror films out there now. Horror films used to be an event. Now the market is just flooded with the same old crap and so much of it is just so low budget.

W: So they could, but they shouldn’t?

J: I don’t know… if you modernized it with cell phones and social media... it’s original enough that it could work. I just don’t think they’d spend the money on it. Not when there’s so much else out there to remake that’s more well known.

Everything has been done to death. That’s exactly why The Night Flier works so well. Even after twenty-five years, there’s still nothing like it. It’s so clever, with his plane as his coffin, and sticking to backwater places that wouldn’t bother reporting him. He’s right there under their noses and they don’t even see it. Clever.

W: I mentioned the vampire, Dwight Renfield (Michael H.Moss) – and we agree that the name is stupid and unworthy of King, right? I liked the vampire’s look, but you didn’t. What didn’t you like about it? It was creepy as fuck!

J: Don’t get me wrong, I liked it well enough… I just didn’t like the visual with the huge mouth. I liked the fangs, though. I liked that instead of two tiny pricks, he left huge fucking gouges in their throats. That’s a nice touch.

W: Right. Nothing sexy there.

J: No, definitely not.

Renfield’s look kind of reminded me of Fright Night, actually, although Dandrige (Chris Sarandon) didn’t have a cape. And Dandrige was sexy, hah.

I loved that the first time you see the vampire in The Night Flier properly, all you see is him peeing blood into the urinal.

W: Tell me the movie was directed by a man without telling me the movie was directed by a man…

Ugh. It’s just so gross and so crass. I mean… visually effective, but eww.

What are your thoughts on Miguel Ferrer as Richard Dees? I had a very angry, very physical reaction to his character. I wanted to hurt that fucker myself, he was so awful. He was the real monster of the piece, for me.

J: Well, yeah, because the vampire warned him off the whole time. He didn't want Dees following him. All Dees had to do was let it go – but he couldn’t. He was a sleuth hound. He had to see and, because he did, he lost it all. He’s the ghoul. He’s the monster.

Honestly, you have to be such a prick to be in that line of work. You know you’re hurting people, you know you’re lying... but it’s a paycheck, so you keep doing it.

I guess that’s the difference between real news and what the other guys are doing. It’s the difference between Ari Melber and Sean Hannity. There are reporters who care about the truth. Maybe they spin it a little, but they don’t just make it up for ratings. Not like Richard Dees.

W: Final thoughts on The Night Flier?

J: Only that it should be highly revered but is barely even recognised. I guess there were just too many big movies that year. That, and the fact that it didn’t get the publicity it deserved.

The Night Flier is a well-made movie, but let’s be honest, it’s still horror’s little cousin.  

Wondra's Rating: 💀💀💀

Jay's Rating: 💀💀💀

Book Review: It Was All A Dream: An Anthology Of Bad Horror Tropes Done Right, edited by Brandon Applegate

Horror writers are constantly being told what we’re not supposed to do. Don’t send your MC down to the basement to investigate a strange noise. Keep your characters from splitting up. And, whatever you do, stop those campers from having sex!

(Like that’s possible.)

The first talk I gave as an author contradicted the idea that all clichés are bad. So, when I got the chance to review It Was All ADream: An Anthology Of Bad Horror Tropes Done Right, edited by Brandon Applegate, I jumped at the chance.

I was not disappointed.

It Was All A Dream from Hungry Shadow Press asks twenty-six authors to charge headlong into the worst horror tropes out there and come through the other side with something new – a challenge they rise to in the best ways. 

Nothing in this anthology is what it seems. From a final girl story that confronts gender norms (and sanity,) to a tale that reduces the experiences of its main character to a sort of memory stew, It Was All A Dream is a delightfully twisted bundle of “Well, I wasn’t expecting that!”

The perfect blend of horror and comedy, It Was All A Dream is an inclusive romp through the deranged minds of both familiar authors and new favourites. Their stories come in a diverse variety of styles and forms (including a story told as a collection of police reports and witness statements) but all leave the reader feeling…

I hesitate to say satisfied because some leave you feeling like you’re sharing a murderer’s dirty secret while other’s make you feel like you’ve just been punched in the gut.

I’ll just say that they all leave you… feeling.

Oh, yeah. These stories give you the feels.

My favourites, in no particular order, are:

“Fuck This Shit Manor” by Laurel Hightower, which gives us the ending to Burnt Offerings we deserved.

“Don’t Go in the Woods... or, Do, See if I Care!” by Patrick Barb, in which Mad Marty befriends the monster he tried to warn everyone about.

“Playing Tricks” by Angela Sylvaine, featuring a little girl whose hereditary mental illness isn’t what it seems.

“Parting Gift” by Cormack Baldwin, which gives us a surprisingly heartbreaking alternative take on The Bride of Frankenstein.

“Tattered Fairy, Hungry Fairy” by Belicia Rhea, recounting the perfectly horrible last visit from the Tooth Fairy.

Although the authors are obviously the stars of the show, I can’t wrap up this review without drawing attention to the massively talented artists involved in It Was All A Dream. The ghoulish cover art by Evangeline Gallagher is eye catching and would look incredible on any horror lover’s shelf while inside…

Wow.

Each of the twenty-six stories are accompanied by unique artwork that reminds me of horror legend, Bernie Wrightson. The publishers must have dished out on this one – and it was 100% money well spent.

Which is exactly my advice to anyone considering It Was All A Dream: An Anthology Of Bad Horror Tropes Done Right. I received a copy of the book in exchange for an honest review, but I can see myself picking up a physical copy because 1. I’ll definitely want to come back to these stories and 2. It’s too dang pretty not to. I think you’ll feel the same way, so make sure you pre-order now for its October 18^th release date.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Book Review: Someone to Share My Nightmares by Sonora Taylor

Someone to Share My Nightmares, a collection of short stories by Sonora Taylor, was my first foray into horrortica and…

Whoa.

Can that be my whole review? No? 

Okay, let’s do this…

Continuing my incurable habit of selecting books based solely on their covers, Taylor’s Someone to Share My Nightmares came up on my Twitter feed and I instantly fell in love with the artwork. I saw it and just had to have it. Once again, my “bad” habit landed me a winner. The artwork for Someone to Share My Nightmares matches the tone of the collection perfectly, both seductive and exquisitely dreadful. 

The eight short tales (and one poem) that make up Someone to Share My Nightmares bring Taylor’s horrors to life with beautifully evocative imagery. They offer different points-of-view and varied definitions of love/attraction while maintaining a sense of humour throughout. While there are plenty of vicious turns and nasty twists to be had, Someone to Share My Nightmares doesn’t shy away from the odd happily-ever-after.

Independence and the reclaiming of feminine power are major themes in Taylor’s collection, from “Someone to Share My Nightmares” which features a forest with a taste for male flesh to “The Parrot,” in which an abused wife turns the tables on her husband in the most satisfying way imaginable. There’s even a heartbreakingly sad but infinitely relatable story about a vampire couple wondering if forever is really worth it in “You Promised Me Forever” and a claustrophobic story of isolation that calls out corporate irresponsibility in “The Sharps.”

Although “The Parrot” is my favourite story for the diabolical way Melinda takes revenge on her husband (who is just truly horrid,) the wickedly fun Krampus-like Christmas story, “’Tis Better to Want” is a close second. (And awfully sexy too!)

I think it’s safe to say that my horrortica cherry has officially been claimed by Sonora Taylor’s Someone to Share My Nightmares and I couldn’t have asked for a better first experience. It’s given me a craving for the darker side of erotica that I’ll definitely be looking to sate – hopefully with more delightfully morbid stories just like these.

Book Review: Hundred Word Horror: The Deep, edited by A.R. Ward

With the temperatures soaring over 90° (and the scenes at the overcrowded beaches a whole different kind of horror story,) last week seemed like the perfect time to collapse across the sofa in the style of a Victorian lady and read Ghost Orchid Press's Hundred Word Horror: The Deep, edited by A.R. Ward. Nothing like some deep-sea horror to chill the blood, eh?

I’m a huge fan of drabbles, both reading and writing them. Short stories are an art form – drabbles doubly so since creating a world, character, meaning, and plot within the confines of a hundred words is such a challenge. (I won’t tell you the number of flash fiction stories I have in my trunk that started out life as drabbles.) 

Hundred Word Horror: The Deep was just the nautical horror fix I needed to fight the hellish heatwave. It took familiar themes in directions I was not expecting and had plenty of nasty little surprises. Overall, the book had a slow, sombre feel - a bit like a lazy seaside town - that was a perfect counter to the hot summer days. 

My favourite stories (in no particular order) are:

“Captain’s Log,” Abi Marie Palmer

“One of Many,” Sean Reardon

“Fish Food,” J.C. Robinson

“Rescued?” Emerian Rich

“Sirens,” Caytlyn Brooke

“Thalassophobia,” C.A. Chesse

“...And the Muckers Came Out,” by Isaac Menuza 

“One Little Push,” Collin Yeoh

“Nicky the Swimmer,” Gus Wood

“Diver’s Close Call,” K.M. Bennett

My only complaint with Hundred Word Horror: The Deep is a matter of preference. I’d much rather read an anthology that is made up either of poetry or fiction, rather than both. I just don’t like the change in styles. (Maybe it's a neurodivergent focus thing?) Aside from that, Hundred Word Horror: The Deep was everything I could have hoped for.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

Love Your Darlings (Then Kill Them)

I was asked to give a talk on writing horror at a convention in 2015. Somehow, I managed to pull it off without passing out. (I did need about a week to recover, mind...) 

I'm told it went well and there were a lot of raised hands at the end and that's a good sign, right? Sadly, I don't have a recording to share with you but I recently come across the speech I wrote in advance so I thought I'd share. 

How close it was to the actual speech I gave...? My nerves wouldn't allow me to say. 

Love Your Darlings (Then Kill Them)

On Writing Horror...

Horror is no different than any other type of writing. Everything you read is nothing more than the conflict of two basic human emotions: love and fear. I know what you’re thinking. ‘Horror is about fear? Ya don’t say...’ but fear alone isn’t enough to make a story work. 

Why? 

Because not everyone is afraid of the same things. For instance, I have an overwhelming and irrational fear of zombie cows. I could spend all day writing about dead cows, walking the earth in search of gggrrrraaaasssss, but that’s not going to sell.

Why? 

Because you don’t necessarily share my fear of zombie cows. (Yet. Come talk to me after the show and I’ll give you a dozen reasons to fear the walking bovine.) The point I’m trying to make is this: writing about something you’re afraid of isn’t enough because you’re missing the love. 

(Yes, I’m rather obsessed with cows. But not in a creepy way.)

You can’t have real, honest, bone-chilling fear without love. Love is what drives everything humans do. We get up in the morning and go to work because we love our homes and don’t want them taken from us. We cover electrical sockets with safety caps when our children are born because we love them and don’t want the little fools to electrocute themselves. Etc. and etc. 

Horror is no different. You can set the perfect scene: an isolated, run-down cabin in the middle of the woods on the night of a full moon. Oooh. Spooky, sure. But where’s the fear? Are readers immediately terrified because you’ve dropped them in a spooky setting? Of course not. They’re anticipating fear – more on that later – but they’re not afraid. 

Let’s change that. 

It’s the night of the full moon and we’re in an isolated, run-down cabin in the middle of the night with a young woman who’s had some pretty tough breaks recently. 

Her mother died of a swift and aggressive form of cancer, barely giving the young woman time to say goodbye, much less come to grips with the loss. On top of that, her boyfriend of several years bailed on her because the crippling Depression that took hold of her after her mother’s death was really getting him down. (Jerk.) 

Are we afraid yet? No? Well, I’m not surprised. You can dump a Job-load of tragedy on a character but that won’t make your readers afraid for them.

Let’s try again.

Poor – let’s call her Suzie. Suzie has always dreamed of being a vet. Barely a year into a degree that she had to work two jobs to pay for Aunt, I don’t know, Lucy calls to say come home before it’s too late. Suzie rushes across the state to get to her mother’s hospital bed just in time to watch her die. 

Suzie screams at Aunt Lucy. What didn’t she call sooner? Why didn’t Mom let Suzie know she was sick? How could they do this to her?! 

Aunt Lucy can only hug Suzie and tell her that her mother knew how hard she’d worked to get into that degree programme. She knew there was nothing that could have been done. That Suzie’s grades would have suffered if she’d wasted her time by her bedside. Her mother wanted her to fulfil her dreams. 

So, Suzie heads back to university, where her boyfriend of several years offers her a shoulder to cry on. For a while. A few months after the funeral, Dave (Why not? It’s as good a name as any.) decides Suzie’s had long enough to grieve. He tells her to get her shit together before she loses him too. 

But she can’t. Suzie fights and fights but the Depression gets the better of her. She comes home from class one day, certain she’s going to flunk out, to find an empty apartment and a Dear John. Dave left, taking Suzie’s last lifeline with him.

He even took the blu-ray collection. (Jerk.) 

Suzie can’t cope anymore. She’s ready to end it all. Then, there’s a knock at the door. A neighbour (We won’t name them. They’re not important.) holds out a scruffy, dirty little puppy they found outside. The pup’s in a bad way. Good thing Suzie’s a vet. She nurses the pup back to health. They become inseparable, like ya do in these situations. 

Her life has meaning again. She throws herself into schoolwork and has nearly become the vet she’d always dreamed of. Suzie just has one last project to complete, a month of practical experience. Too bad she got so far behind in her coursework. Now, Suzie has to take the only spot left: the one none of her classmates wanted, far away from campus, in the middle of nowhere, studying a local wolf pack, without even an internet connection. 

Not. Even. Dial-up.

It’s Suzie’s first night in the cabin she’ll be living in for the next month. The cabin is a wreck, which adds to the sense of unease creeping along Suzie’s spine. She hasn’t even met her boss yet and she’s already prepared to run back to campus. Just as she thinks that failing her class might be better than spending a single night in the cabin, there’s a strange noise outside her door. 

Are we afraid now? 

Fear isn’t just about the right settings, the right tropes. It’s caring about your characters enough to not want them to die. To create fear, you first have to create love. If you can create characters that readers love, you can use your readers’ fear of losing that character to create effective horror. Writing horror is just writing characters that people love, then doing horrible things to them. 

Which is, you know, the fun part.

Because every horror fan knows that bad things happen – and they’re much scarier when they happen to good people. 

Your horror story will succeed or fail with your characters. How many times have you been reading a story, knowing that bad shit’s about to go down – only to realize that you don’t actually care? The main character is such a jerk (stupid Dave) that you kind of want the axe murderer to chop his head off. 

The author failed to create love and, because of that, failed to create horror. 

What I’m saying is that if you start with a character that readers love, then threaten them with horrible ends, you’re writing horror. Writing good horror, that’s another thing again. 

Good horror relies on the fact that, in literature, it’s all been done. You’re not going to be able to put a character in a situation that’s never been written before and that’s okay. Good horror isn’t about writing something ground-breaking, that no one in the existing universe has ever thought of before; it’s about taking those old, over-used themes, tossing them into the proverbial blender, and pouring out something that tastes different.

If sometimes a bit funky. 

A lot of horror writers will talk about avoiding clichés. Don’t make your character investigate a strange noise in the basement! It’s a cliché! Yup, it is. But why does that have to be a bad thing? You can use clichés to your advantage – and you’d better, if you want to be a successful horror writer. 

You know if that girl goes down into the basement, some big nasty is going to jump out and kill her. Everyone knows. Hell, she knows. That’s why she grabs Daddy’s shotgun off the wall, turns every light in the house on, and stomps down those rickety, wooden steps, ready to blow the intruder’s head off. 

Here’s where you, as a horror writer, have a choice. Are you going to give into the cliché and do what’s always been done? Your readers won’t be impressed if you do, so why not George RR Martin that shit up and flip expectations on their heads? 

Everyone is expecting the baddie to jump out and frighten the heroine. So let it. Then, let her shoot it in the face and, when she’s doing a little victory dance, let her notice the bracelet she made for her boyfriend weeks ago that he never takes off. Make her realize that the ghoulish face is just a dime store mask. Drive her to her knees over the bloody corpse of the only boy she’s ever loved.

Then bring the baddie out of hiding to rip her head off. 

Clichés are one of the most powerful tools a horror writer can use in crafting their story. When readers think they know what’s going to happen, they’ll freak themselves out waiting for it, essentially doing your work for you. You can come along afterward with a few nasty twists and, voila, you’ve given half your readers heart attacks because they were so busy waiting for what they were expecting that they didn’t see what you were really doing. 

This is where my favourite part of writing horror comes in handy. Foreshadowing is essentially just showing people exactly what’s going to happen, while making sure they’re not paying the slightest bit of attention. Like the cliché, foreshadowing is essential to good horror. Unfortunately, like the cliché, it’s also the reason horror often fails. 

Foreshadowing requires balance. Too little, and you leave readers wondering what the hell just happened. Personally, I get angry when an author drops a surprise that has absolutely no bearing to the rest of the story. It’s insulting to your readers. Don’t do it. When you unleashed that surprise, you want your readers to say, “Oh, my god. That. Why didn’t I pay attention to that in the first place?!” 

But don’t overuse it. If you try to force foreshadowing down your reader’s throats, you’re going to annoy them just as much. You don’t want anyone saying, “Yeah, yeah, I get it. You’ve mentioned that rusty old nail twelve times in the last three pages. There are blind monks in Tibet who know that chick’s gonna get impaled on it.”

So, where’s the balance? 

Remember Suzie? 

Yeah, Suzie’s just about losing her shit right now. Her faithful canine companion is at the front door, barking wildly. A wolf’s howl splits the night. Oh, the clichés! If you’re not expecting werewolves by now, I have to wonder why you’re interested in horror. If you think there’s a werewolf waiting outside that door, though, you missed the foreshadowing – which is exactly what was supposed to happen. 

While you’re all focused on the barking and the moon and the wolves, I’m just going to give Suzie a little push. She was ready to bolt, anyway.

Suzie makes a run for it. She grabs the dog and makes her escape through the back door. Fear’s gotten the better of her though and carrying a squirming dog isn’t helping any. She knows the cabin is in bad shape, but she doesn’t think about it. She just runs… 

…until her foot goes through a rotten floorboard on the deck. The dog goes flying. Suzie falls, breaking her ankle and impaling herself on the pile of tools her boss meant to warn her about but forgot. He’s at the door now, with a bottle of wine and an apology for making her stay in such a lousy place. Poor Suzie. 

While her boss goes to investigate the strange whining noise coming from behind the cabin, let’s summarize: 

Writing horror is creating characters that readers love, then doing horrible things to them. Writing good horror requires an understanding of clichés and the ability to subvert them, all the while using foreshadowing to hint at your true intentions. If you can do all this, you can be a successful horror author. 

Book Review: Pounded by Politics Again: Nine More Tales of Civic Butthole Diplomacy by Chuck Tingle

If you haven’t read any Chuck Tingle, I encourage you to do it – not because it’s fine literature (because it’s not) but because it’s just too fun not to. They’re all super quick and easy reads so why not, right?

I won’t lie, Pounded By Politics Again: Nine More Tales of Civic Butthole Diplomacy has some typos. A lot more than you’d want to see in a published piece of fiction. Some are so blatant you have to wonder if anyone actually proofread it at all before sending it to print. If you can get past that, you’re in for a... weird time.

Pounded By Politics Again is as irreverent as any of the books in the Tingleverse. It’s a ridiculously meta parody with a hint of erotica. Ever wonder what it would be like to deep throat a T-Rex or bang a giant, sentient corn on the cob? (Yeah, me neither...) 

Well, wonder no more!

The nine short stories included in Pounded By Politics Again mercilessly poke fun at certain world leaders as they get reamed by their climate change denial and stuffed by their tax returns. I won’t bother reviewing each individually because, honestly, they're all basically the same. 

That being said, “England’s Ass Is Haunted By A Hung Parliament” made me laugh the hardest. (I have that decision paralysis thing going on so it's personal...)

If you’re still not sure if it’s worth spending a few quid on (which I can’t believe because obviously I’ve made such a compelling case!) give Chuck’s podcast, Pounded In The Butt By My OwnPodcast, a try. I recommend either “My Butt Is Comforted By The Realization That I’m Okay And Everything Will Be Alright” or “Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt” because they’re read by some of my favourite podcasters.

If you’re already a Tingle fan, tell me your favourite story so I can read it. (Because, clearly, I have more time than taste!) 

And, yes, the rumours are true. I have written Tingleverse fanfiction. (No, I am not the elusive author himself.) If you want to read it, may God have mercy on your butthole: Pounded In The Butt By A Six-Foot Painted Jesus Carved Out Of Wood (And His Dad.)

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ (3/5 stars)

Book Review: Prince of Never (Black Blood Fae #1) by Juno Heart

I keep waiting for my “fae phase” to pass but... nope, no sign of that happening. Give me a book about grumpy fae royalty with a pretty cover and I will 100% be there for it. Prince of Never (Black Blood Fae #1) by Juno Heart fulfilled both of those requirements, then kept me enthralled with its magical realism and beautifully crafted language.

Lara is just a mortal woman who waits tables and loves to sing – until she’s tricked into entering a portal to Faery in order to fulfil an ancient prophecy. In Faery, she finds her voice has the power to enchant even the cruellest fae. Which is handy, since he’s the one who pulls Lara from the river she lands in.

Ever’s heart is twisted by the cursed, poisoned blood that runs through his veins. The only reason he wants to find his fated queen is so that he can murder her, hopefully ending the curse that’s plagued his family for 900 years – until he learns that his fated queen is the pesky, infuriating human he found in the woods.

The enemies-to-lovers romance between Lara and Ever is a well-timed slow burn, with just the right amount of tension. It’s so, so sweet when they finally get together and so, so heart-breaking when they’re immediately torn apart. (I don’t care how often the trope is used, I will always fall for it.)

As much as I love the relationship between Lara and her prince, I love the cast of side characters even more, especially the non-human (err... fae) ones. Ever’s hound, Balor, and his horse, Jinn as well as the prince’s brother, Raff's, fox-like companion, Spark, are as interesting as any of the speaking characters. 

Too often, pets are included in stories only to be forgotten when not needed. Prince of Never is never guilty of that. Every pet included in the story has their own personality, interacting with others as the main characters do their own thing.

As an animal lover and mom to several fur babies, I really appreciate those little details.

The only thing that lets Prince of Never down is the ending, which is too rushed. The last few chapters are too quick, too easy. I expected more resistance from the queen and Lara’s little surprise deserved a better reveal to Ever. I like a happily-ever-after as much as the next sap, but the climax here is too good to be wasted on such a sloppy ending.

Aside from an ending that’s, I hate to say, unworthy of the book, Prince of Never is as enchanting as one of Lara’s songs. I found it impossible to put down and I’ll definitely be looking for Raff and Isla’s story.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ (4/5 stars)

Book Review: Diet Riot: A Fatterpunk Anthology (edited by Nico Bell and Sonora Taylor)

Diet Riot: A Fatterpunk Anthology, edited by Nico Bell and Sonora Taylor, is one of the anthologies I was hoping to submit to but couldn't get around to finishing anything for. Now that I've had a chance to read it, I'm even more gutted that I didn't get the chance to be part of it because this anthology freaking rocks. 

I love the overall tone of Diet Riot. Although every author has their own voice and vision, with varying styles and abilities, there's an underlying sense of positivity that runs through the anthology. It isn't just about body positivity, which the book achieves by putting fat characters in the protagonist's role (something we just don't get enough of... well, anywhere,) but also inclusivity and feminism - sometimes in subtle, quieter ways, and sometimes in loud, in-your-face ways. 

The stories I liked best were the latter of the two. I loved the attitude and the snark of stories like "Blue Hair" by Marsheila Rockwell (which features a witch who turns her girlfriends into cats,) "Like a Thief in the Night" by Kay Hanifen (in which the old grey man goes to Hell where he belongs,) and "The Floor is Lava" by Nikki R. Leigh (which has freaking alien lava cryptids vs. a roller derby team.) These were my favourite stories, although I enjoyed nearly all of them.

Making fat characters the main focus of the anthology opened the editors up to the expected amount of  abuse online... because the trolls just never stop, do they? I'm grateful to the editors for taking the chance, though, because Diet Riot offers a neglected demographic something to identify with. The anthology gives us witty, strong, likeable, relatable characters who (for a change,) look like us. 

Sure is nice to have a fat character in horror who isn't either the funny sidekick or the creep who dies first.

I got a real kick out of Diet Riot: A Fatterpunk Anthology. It was fun, fast-paced, and entertaining. There were enough lake monsters, evil doctors, ghosts, and demons to please any horror fan - without the hardcore (sometimes unnecessary) gore and hatred of women that sometimes spoils the genre for me. 

Yeah, I know... I'm a horror author. Doesn't mean I have to like the way everyone else does it. I'm more on the horror lite end of the spectrum than the splatterpunk end, which makes Diet Riot a perfect fit for me. 

Diet Riot is everything I could have asked for in a "fatterpunk" (Did I mention how much I love this word?) anthology - except about twelve more stories. I was having so much fun I was sorry to finish the book. Maybe the editors will grace us with a sequel?

Book Review: The Sylvan and the Sand (The Book of All Things #2) by Sarah M. Cradit

I have reached into the sand, and the sand has offered me strength. I have submerged myself in the salt of the sea, and the salt has offered me courage.

They say you should never trust a book by its cover. That’s advice I’ve never been particularly good at taking – especially when it comes to books with covers by artists like Melissa Stevens and Merilliza Chan. Show me s book with cover art by either of these illustrators and I’m sold before I’ve read a word.

I love the soft, high fantasy look Stevens created for The Sylvan and the Sand (The Book of All Things: Book 2) by Sarah M. Cradit. (The illustrations throughout the books are a nice bonus.) It fits the tone of the story perfectly, romantic and enchanting.

When I started reading The Sylvan and the Sand, I didn’t realize it was part of a series – not that it’s an issue. The book stands alone very well, although the enormous cast of characters does take a little while to get to know. I struggled a little bit at the beginning to remember who was who but, as they were divided up very quickly, it became a lot easier to follow.

So… who’s who?

Yesenia Warwick and Corin Quinlanden are complete opposites from warring families – which doesn’t stop King Khain Rhiagain from arranging a marriage between them. Them… and all the children of the lords who swear fealty to him. As he blindsides the ruling families of his realm by pairing off their heirs, the king creates havoc, personally and politically.

Yesenia and Corin seem to have it easy as the story starts. She’s just her father’s daughter, after all, and Corin is his father’s second son. Neither are of particular importance (from a strategic point of view,) but they still manage to turn the whole plan on its head.

And even incite a revolution.

Which is what makes it fun, of course!

Both Yesenia (‘Sen’) and Corin are strong, driven characters that just get better as they grow into their forced marriage and changing societal roles. Yesenia is an inspiring, tough, experienced character while her counterpart, Corin, is cowed, abused, and inexperienced. She brings him out of himself, and he makes her a more patient, more tolerant person. They’re perfect for each other.

The character development in The Sylvan and the Sand is top-notch, which is more impressive when you consider how many there are to keep track of. All of the important characters have their own identities, personalities, and goals. They’re important to the story, not just background noise. I’m actually looking forward to checking out the other books in the series to see who’s involved in which books. There are definitely people I’m hoping to see again.

Cradit doesn’t just excel at character development; she is a master of imagery. Her descriptions – not just of places, but especially the way she handles action – have a way of putting you right in the moment that allows you to lose yourself in the story. I don’t think I got a single thing finished once I started The Sylvan and the Sand. (And I'm not one bit sorry.)

The Sylvan and the Sand might be set in a fantasy world, but many of the lessons it teaches are universal. Some of the lessons that stand out are love (the fear of both having and losing it,) coping with abusive family members, and the burdens of womanhood. I found myself nodding frequently, silently agreeing with some characters – and silently raging at others.

Even the hateful characters were fully developed, which didn't make them any less hateful.

Sen and Corin’s happily-ever-after is hard-won, which makes it all the better. Another thing that makes The Sylvan and the Sand a satisfying read, though, is that it’s not just about their relationship. Both have their own goals when the book starts out and those goals remain central for much of the story. They just happen to fall in love along the way.

And isn't that always the way?

I absolutely loved The Sylvan and the Sand. It was engaging, well-written, entertaining, and came through with the warm fuzzies at the end. This is one of those books I’m glad I judged by its cover.